Last

This is my last entry of the year. Typing this on my last day of work in my company.

This blog is almost one year old. Can't believe it. Where did Time go?

In the beginning, it was kinda awkward to write for public reading, letting unknowns into some of my inner world of thoughts, but later I got used to it. They're not that 'in' anyway.

I realized the power of writing, of disclosing (and not) things. What had been written here were the results of choices of what I chose to reveal. And I also realized there are some things I cannot write though it's my own blog. Great responsibility comes with great power (sounds familiar I know!) Many things can only be written at the right time in future.

It's been a colourful journey this year. The title of the blog has got to do with a journey I've yet to begin, though there were many things seemingly related to it. But those things in the way weren't bad. Nothing is wasted, I believe.

In my first line, I mentioned this is my last day of work. Yes it is, for 2008 and for this company. Times are bad, there is no visibility for a path for me in this place, so my employer had decided to let me go. My contract has run its full course. Though it was so sudden and last minute, thank God a quick solution was found. I secured a job with our company's project partner albeit taking a heavy paycut. It remains uncertain what will happen next year.

Recently I read something about making decisions. It said that at the end of the day, I need to ask what do I really want to do? What would make me the happiest? Then make decisions for the person who is going to live with them - myself. It's true in a way because in both my highest and lowest points of my life this year, I was alone. I realized that whatever choice I make, there will be some (if not many) who will be let down inevitably. The same people who praise you today can be the same ones who curse you tomorrow. Nobody remembers. In my attempts to save the world, I couldn't save myself.

Everything can be turned around.

Nothing is permanent.

I still will not call truce with the Liar.

I have to rethink some things.

'Happy New Year' to me? Not sure about the 'Happy' part, but I can use the 'New'. Talking about 'happy', I can always fit in a Switchfoot song. I loved this truly profound song three years ago, but surprisingly it has brought new meanings to me at this time....so apt that it feels creepy:

Happy Is A Yuppie Word

.

Everyone dies, everyone loves a fight

Nothing is sound, nothing is right side right

Evening comes when the sun goes down in red

Nothing is cool, when will all the fighting end

When will all the fighting end

.

Happy is a yuppie word

Nothing in the world could fail me now

It's empty as an argument

I'm running down a life that won't cash out

.

Everything fails, everything runs it course

A time and a place, for all this love and war

Everyone buys, everyone's got a price

Nothing is new, when will all the failures rise

When will all us failures rise, rise

.

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out

.

Happy is a yuppie word

Blessed is the man who's lost it all

Happy is a yuppie word

.

Looking for an orphanage

I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down

I don't believe the emptiness

I'm looking for the kingdom coming down

Everything is meaningless

I want more than simple cash can buy

.

Happy is a yuppie word, happy is a yuppie word

.

Nothing is sound, nothing is sound

Nothing is sound...

.

Post-Camp Thoughts

I know if I don't write this today, I may not have the chance for the rest of the remaining year to do so.

I just returned from the Grace Youth Camp 2008 yesterday. I'll write as concise as possible. Simply impossible to write all my thoughts (processed or unprocessed) down.

Overall, I felt it was the best of the last three (06-08) GY Camps I'd been, for various reasons. Perhaps the one reason that stood out was because of the constraints and "oppositions" we were facing. In a way we were "left alone" to run the thing, with many simply decided to take no part with the camp. Maybe that's why it was a better camp. It was "easier".

So many opposing and skeptical voices I'd heard before the camp, disapproving what was already set up. But by the end of the camp, I sensed a few of those voices being silenced.

Personally, I was on a mission to observe. Right before the camp, I set out to observe for a sign, and clues. I put a few people to the test to confirm some things I already knew. I just had to be sure. I was also looking for certain answers, but none were given by men. Perhaps that's how we look for the better hope.

In this camp, I witnessed the triumph of the ministry of the Word once again, being taught in a simple and powerful way. I was particularly impressed with how sis Rita did the morning workshops for the younger ones, to challenge them to know the God of their parents for themselves. To know the right assurances for their salvation. And to pursue the filling of the Spirit. No wonder that particular night, it was the younger ones that responded most appropriately to the move and ministry of the Spirit, with the foundational knowledge already in place. On a personal level, I was very satisfied she caught what I envisioned for her sessions and prepared based on my instructions.

In this camp, I'd more time to get to know new people, and those I've already met before, better. But I wished I had more time. I'm also glad this time I could personally bless someone directly (one on one). For that, I've no regrets in the choices I'd made.

As I saw so many young lives being touched (many for the first time) by God, I wonder who gives the older ones the rights to pass judgments with what they think, to play games in deciding the fate of the youth ministry and the lives of the young ones. This is carnality....

On a final note, I'm honoured to say I've worked with this year's team from the three churches, once again. I was impressed especially with the PJ Young Adults who were attending their 1st GY Camp, but played their roles so remarkably well. That includes that super stingy banker who made us wanna put a pillow case over his head and ......... (fill in the blank). Lol! And also our few ever dependable Klang strong men and women. And those promising leaders from USJ...

But heck, I know not to look to men alone for hope. I could see faint fingerprints, traces of many past men and women's works in this youth ministry. But there's also this unseen tireless finger, despite the passing of men and time, is still writing new exciting stories that will slowly unfold. That made me realized that a certain Force that had been ...... for many years ..... and still is ..... and will always be ........ simply ......... UNSTOPPABLE.

I can rest with this assurance, for now.

The only thing that really sucks (big time!) in this camp was....I didn't have my camera!!!

Rain: A Meditation for My Dry & Cracked Soul

I read this devotion entry by Piper sometime ago. I saw fit to share its essence with my cell last Friday. But here it's entirety in my favourite author's own words:

The Great Work of God: Rain

A Thanksgiving Meditation on Job 5:8-10
But as for me, I would seek God,
And I would place my cause before God;
Who does great and unsearchable things,
Wonders without number.
He gives rain on the earth,
And sends water on the fields.

If you said to someone: “My God does great and unsearchable things; he does wonders without number,” and they responded, “Really? Like what?” would you say, “Like rain”? When I read these verses from Job recently, I felt, at first, the way I did on hearing some bad poetry that went something like this: “Let me suffer, let me die, just to win your hand; let me even climb a hill, or walk across the land.” Even? I would suffer and die to have your hand, and even walk across the land? As if walking across the land were more sacrificial than dying? This sounded to me like a joke.

But Job is not joking. “God does great and unsearchable things, wonders without number. He gives rain on the earth.” In Job’s mind rain really is one of the great, unsearchable wonders that God does. So when I read this a few weeks ago, I resolved not to treat it as meaningless pop musical lyrics. I decided to have a conversation with myself (which is what I mean by meditation).

Is rain a great and unsearchable wonder wrought by God? Picture yourself as a farmer in the Near East, far from any lake or stream. A few wells keep the family and animals supplied with water. But if the crops are to grow and the family is to be fed from month to month, water has to come from another source on the fields. From where?

Well, the sky. The sky? Water will come out of the clear blue sky? Well, not exactly. Water will have to be carried in the sky from the Mediterranean Sea over several hundred miles, and then be poured out on the fields from the sky. Carried? How much does it weigh? Well, if one inch of rain falls on one square mile of farmland during the night, that would be 2,323,200 cubic feet of water, which is 17,377,536 gallons, which is 144,735,360 pounds of water.

That’s heavy. So how does it get up in the sky and stay up there if it’s so heavy? Well, it gets up there by evaporation. Really? That’s a nice word. What’s it mean? It means that the water stops being water for a while so it can go up and not down. I see. Then how does it get down? Well, condensation happens. What’s that? The water starts becoming water again by gathering around little dust particles between .00001 and .0001 centimeters wide. That’s small.

What about the salt? Salt? Yes, the Mediterranean Sea is saltwater. That would kill the crops. What about the salt? Well, the salt has to be taken out. Oh. So the sky picks up millions of pounds of water from the sea, takes out the salt, carries the water (or whatever it is, when it is not water) for three hundred miles, and then dumps it (now turned into water again) on the farm?

Well, it doesn’t dump it. If it dumped millions of pounds of water on the farm, the wheat would be crushed. So the sky dribbles the millions of pounds of water down in little drops. And they have to be big enough to fall for one mile or so without evaporating, and small enough to keep from crushing the wheat stalks.

How do all these microscopic specks of water that weigh millions of pounds get heavy enough to fall (if that’s the way to ask the question)? Well, it’s called coalescence. What’s that? It means the specks of water start bumping into each other and join up and get bigger, and when they are big enough, they fall. Just like that? Well, not exactly, because they would just bounce off each other instead of joining up if there were no electric field present. What? Never mind. Take my word for it.

I think, instead, I will just take Job’s word for it. I still don’t see why drops ever get to the ground, because if they start falling as soon as they are heavier than air, they would be too small not to evaporate on the way down. But if they wait to come down, what holds them up till they are big enough not to evaporate? Yes, I am sure there’s a name for that too. But I am satisfied for now that, by any name, this is a great and unsearchable thing that God has done. I think I should be thankful—lots more thankful than I am.

Wow. I'll never look at rain the same again. I now know that just like the black sky is pregnant with millions of tons of water for the dry land, the heaven is carrying an abundant supply for my thirsty soul. There is a bounty in store for me!

A Computer Analogy for the End of the Year

I've this computer I've been using for quite a while. Once, it was new. I installed my choice of operating system and core programs on it. It was fast, efficient and never hung up on me. It was a joy to use then.

After a while, I installed more programs on it. Found some to be useless after a while, and some to be rubbish. So I uninstalled them. But traces of old programs are never completely wiped off from the system...traces of files are left hidden somewhere.

My volume of files from documents, games, music, video and pictures quickly grew over time. They accumulated over the years, some were copied from older computers. Many were junks, but I kept them there. Who knows I may need them one day? So, they were there for the sake of being there.

Seeing my computer was powerful, I plugged in new hardwares and gadgets. One example was I replaced the old mouse with a ball with the new laser one, and then later to a wireless one. Everytime a new hardware is upgraded, new drivers (software coded to send instruction signals to "enable" new hardware to function and behave) were needed. But old drivers were still there, merely being replaced by newer ones.

I was the owner, but there were a few users. Different users have their own preferences on various settings and file organising. As the owner I should set the common rules. I did in the beginning but as time passed by, you know....

Over time, the computer slowed down, took forever to do something which could be done in a breeze once upon a time. Sometimes it frowned on me, and had to be resetted. Sometimes it was sicked with viruses. I had to install antivirus. And many times, a newer antivirus was needed.

I also installed programs to sweep through the files and to make the system efficient. What do you know, there are a few competing programs out there that functioned similarly but in different ways. What the heck, I installed them all and run. The computer was fast again, at least for a while...

After a while, some critical problems began to surface. But a new operating system was available. Not wanting to throw away the old, I partitioned the hard drive and installed the new operating system in the same computer.

Finally one day, the computer inevitably had a serious crash and could not be started at all. Upon diagnostic, the problem was identified as what they called systems conflict. This instability was caused by competing signals from two systems (old and new) trying to undermine each other. The computer was pulled in different directions by various instructions coded to make it behave in conflicting ways. No wonder the poor machine suffered a mental breakdown!

I could install even newer and "better" programs with the latest tech which may appear to solve the problems, at least preventing them from surfacing for a while.

Or....

I could take the bolder step to REFORMAT everything. Done it quite a few times. Only the essential stuffs stayed on. I won't miss the rest. Sooner or later I'd realised that this was the best way. Then the computer was clear to function like how it was supposed to function.

Familiar scenario? Anyone?

Is this the new year,

Or just another desperation?

Nothing is okay

Till the world caves in

Till the world caves in

-Switchfoot's "The Blues"

Less is More

Read this passage from the book "7 Practices of Effective Ministry":

"I went to church my entire childhood, and do you know what I learned?"

"What?"

"Not a thing. I know I heard a lot of things about God, but I don't remember one of them."

"Maybe you didn't have good teachers."

"How good do you have to be to teach a child ONE THING? No, the problem wasn't that they couldn't teach me one thing. The problem was they tried to teach me everything. Every week was a different story and a different lesson with a different picture. All I knew is that if I sat there quietly, I'd get a cookie at the end."

Familiar scenario, isn't it?

What went through their minds when...

...when they saw my baby D60 conveniently placed out on the open on the coffee table?

...when they opened my leftover angpau packets, one by one, to extract all the RM5 and RM1 notes?

...when they opened my TV rack and found some RM50 notes there?

...when they ran their filthy hands through our stuffs, one by one, to see which ones go into the bag and which get tossed on the floor?

...when they casted aside my Ten Commandment deco plate on the table?

...when they tossed my book "Pierced by the Word (by John Piper)" on my bed?

...when they switched on my old Palm device (that they took) which happened to be on the highlighted verse "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word (Ps 119:9)"?!!

Oh...maybe they don't read English. Must had been completely unaware of the unseen Presence in the house.

My house was broken in and burglared last Friday while I was at work and my wife away for the whole day. The saddest thing that I've lost was my DSLR with its kit and telephoto lens. Yes, I just got it back after repaired, and now it's gone forever. Even my old Lumix point and shoot wasn't spared. Other things that were stolen were cash (Ringgits, some Rupiahs and Bahts), watches, bags, phone chargers, torchlight, few jewelry and other small items.

Thankfully, all items that were missing are replaceable. Meaning, I can buy them back if I want to, just a matter of money (and time to save up the money). They didn't steal my laptop which was with me at work, with the external hard drive which contained some extremely important datas.....some of my life works, pictures etc. If ever these were lost....well, I don't wanna try to imagine that! My desktop at home also had some very important stuffs, but it was too big and heavy. I had 3 desktop hard disks lying on my study table which they didn't take, surprisingly. Thankfully they didn't take my new (first and only) squash league 2008 runner-up pewter trophy. They left our passports on the table as well.

This is not the first time I've been victimised by burglars/thieves, so I'm not alien to these feelings of being "violated". It hurts. But it also gives me the chance (not by choice though) to start anew some things. And simplify some things a little. For instance, 1997 in Manhattan New York, I slept overnight alone at the train station (all budget hotels were fulled). When I awoke, one of my bags (which I was holding) went missing. It contained my favourite CDs, discman, film camera and some small stuffs. It was a bitter end to my 11-week student exchange work and travel programme in the US. When I returned to Southampton England, one of my close friends said "maybe you don't really need those things afterall". I wasn't happy with his insensitive remark but somehow knew it had some truth in it.

We don't need many things to really keep us happy. It's normally better to travel light. Less worry and sorrow. And less bogged down by decisions. More freedom. But things somehow always get accumulated. We always have a choice to make, to throw away some things, to repack our bags and select only the things we need. Once again, the choice had already been made for me.

You know on Friday, I made a deal (through online marketplace) to add more stuffs to my DSLR. I was going to buy a second hand item from a guy the next day. I hope he didn't think I made up the burglary story to cop out of the deal! Now, I don't have to think about all these DSLR stuffs. So long my D60 baby...we had some good moments together, though I was just starting to really know you.

But let's not kid myself...knowing me...

I'll be back!!! Maybe with a second hand D90 later next year. But until then, no more pictures from me (except maybe from my camera phone).

As for those despicable cowards who took my stuffs while I was asleep or away....I truly hope they managed to be saved, and get to heaven. THEN, I'll have my chance to get even! Talk about eternal punishment. Just kidding...well, kind of.